Where I've Been Lately, motherhood

Hello! You might have noticed that it’s been pretty quiet here on the blog over the past few months. So quiet in fact, that there have only been a handful of posts published since Evie was born – almost six months ago.

I definitely didn’t intend to disappear. In fact, I’d have thought that by now I’d be getting back into the swing of things. Of course, I knew it’d be a juggle trying to balance motherhood, blogging and freelancing but I didn’t anticipate just how tricky it actually is.

If you follow along on Instagram, you might have seen me talk about Evie in my stories a bit. She’s the most inquisitive, alert and determined little person. She’s also sensitive, intense and very strong-willed. She always wants to be up where all the action is, completely frustrated by all the things she can’t do yet but wants to. She loathes the car, the pram, anywhere that she is restrained really. She barely tolerates being on the floor on her mat and it takes her a while to warm up to new situations and faces. She’s the kind of baby who needs constant attention and reassurance. She needs me close, always. And, in the words of our paediatrician, ‘it’s as if she doesn’t like just being a baby’.

And while it’s certainly very demanding to be the mother of such a spirited and fierce little girl, I’m also soaking it all up. She’ll only be this little for such a short amount of time and one day she won’t need me as much as she does now. So I’m trying to be as present for her as possible. Of course, this means that most other aspects of my life are currently on the back-burner. And that’s okay. This is a season, a beautiful, transient, special season that will morph into another before long and soon I’ll be looking back and missing these sweet days when she was so small. I’ve honestly never been as happy as I am now and I can’t ever remember a time in my life that I’ve smiled as much. Evie has brought me so much joy and purpose and I feel so incredibly lucky that she picked me to be her mum..

To be honest though, nothing about my transition into motherhood has been ‘easy’. From Evie’s birth, the infection she got 24 hours later which resulted in a week-long hospital stay, my breastfeeding struggles to her slow weight gain – it’s all been far from a walk in the park. I know it’s not supposed to be easy and others are navigating a much bumpier road than I am. But I do feel like I am dealing with some degree of postpartum anxiety that has stemmed from the rough start we’ve had.

Becoming a mother is almost like a rebirth of your soul. Suddenly, you’ve forgotten the person you were before this perfect, tiny person came along and every element of your being is dedicated caring for them. From that point onwards, everything else in life comes second. That’s how I feel anyway.

Everyone says the newborn stage is the hardest when you’re learning how to feed, coping with sleep-deprivation and figuring out the right cocktail of things to soothe your tiny baby. What no one told me, however, was that months three, four and five would be just as challenging. Suddenly, your baby wakes up to the world, goes through the dreaded sleep regression, only wants to catnap and goes through a series of major developmental leaps. All of this makes for one very distressed, cranky baby and one very overwhelmed, anxious mama. Well, for us at least. Everything you think you know goes out the window and it’s like you’ve got a whole new, different baby to figure out.

Throw into the mix the judgement of others and it can be a very lonely and limiting time.

And even though writing is so cathartic to me, it requires a working brain to put words down on a page! Come nighttime when Evie is in bed, all I want to do is curl up on the couch with Netflix and a glass of wine. Hence, the radio silence over here.

The last few weeks have been better though and our little love has seemed happier. I’m not sure if it relates to her starting solids, learning to sit unassisted, cutting her first teeth or getting through leap five but she’s been noticeably less agitated. Our paediatrician is also consulting with a psychologist to see if there’s anything else we can do to support Evie as she deals with all her intense feelings.

Today’s been the first day in weeks where I’ve had the chance to head to a cafe and write while Ben looks after Evie. It feels good to get my thoughts down and finally publish a new post. I hope to be able to find a bit more balance soon but I know that nothing in life is ever in perfect harmony. The scales always tip to one side. Right now, they’re leaning heavily towards my role as a mother and I’m really trying my best to give my daughter what she needs. I wouldn’t feel right if it was any other way. I know I’ll never have it fully figured out but I also know it will get easier with time.

Thanks for sticking with me x


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